How to Love – by Thich Nhat Hanh

Art by Susa Talan

Possibly the greatest mystery of human experience is love – love in all its forms and manifestations.

Love is a force so crucial to, and for, each of us and our lives. How to Love is a book I was gifted for Christmas 2016 (along with the other book photographed) and is written by legendary Vietnamese Zen Buddhist monk, teacher, and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh. His core teaching is the idea that “understanding is love’s other name. If you don’t understand, you can’t love” and to truly love someone means to understand that person’s suffering.

He also argues that in order for us to understand another’s suffering, we must first understand our own – “When we learn to love and understand ourselves and have true compassion for ourselves, then we can truly love and understand another person.”

I feel it is a lesson I am constantly learning; just when I think I have understood myself better and so I am able to love others better, I realise there is so much more I have yet to understand and so much more love within me that I can give.

For the longest time in my life, maybe even all my life (until last year), I didn’t know how to love without fear and without expectations. I had completely lost all conscious, and perhaps even unconscious, connection with my inner power (my subconscious on the other hand, was on over-drive most of the time, but that should be a whole other blog entry!). 

I naively, and occasionally painfully, gave my power away to others, or perhaps it is more accurate to say that I allowed people to take my power away from me.  I suppressed so much of myself that I was drifting, directionless, though life – miserable, frustrated, listless... I was suffering. I was also utterly oblivious to the possible suffering of those around me as I was too often absorbing, and passive-aggressively accepting, the direct and oblique emotional attacks that were inflicted on me by what I now realise to be other people’s “pain-bodies” (Eckhart Tolle).

Then, in the middle of 2016, after a difficult year in which simply breathing each day was an arduous task... Love awoke, rejuvenated, renewed, and replenished inside of me like a spark that set ablaze the lingering embers of fire in my heart, a flame and fresh breeze coursing through my veins; a thunderous vibrating of my soul (re)ignited in recognition of its own sacredness, a soothing balm of tenderness and peace embracing me; and a light erupting from within me in an infinite stream of joy, gratitude, and strength, that enveloped me in a magical glow.

Therefore, with this love permeating my very being and infused in each and every day, it is no coincidence that this little book has come into my life for a purpose. I feel it’s purpose is to help me continue learning about love and move ever closer to unconditional love for myself (a personally challenging art of practising self-compassion and building a home within myself), and my absolute fullest capacity to truly love another from the depth of my soul.

I also feel the book is an excellent source of ideas for regular, if not daily, contemplation and questioning that we could all use in our lives to open our hearts, bring us home to ourselves, and to nourish as well as nurture our loving relationships with others. Here are some questions that I have been asking myself daily since I started reading the book. I think of them as helpful reflection-points to transform our practises of how to love and understand, as well as how to embrace the world, and the environments around us.

·         Am I being gentle with myself?

·         How am I feeding and supporting my own happiness?

·         In what ways am I nourishing my ability to love and understand?

·         How am I fostering the four elements of true love (loving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity)?

·         Am I confidently placing my trust in the Great Spirit?

·         Have I looked at myself and my loved ones at least one today to appreciate that we are made of stars and each carries eternity inside?

·         Have I practised hugging meditation at least once, regardless of how brief?

·         Was I able to practise conscious breathing today?

·         Have I been listening deeply with all my heart?

·         Have I generated a feeling of joy for myself and offered things to others to make them happy?

These are the questions that I have noted down since I started to read the book, and I am only half way through so there will be more questions to add; I’m sure of it!  

Art by Susa Talan

I’ll end this blog entry with a quote from the book which particularly resonates with me and the sacred magic I am currently experiencing as I walk my path to more authentic living and loving without fear. I hope it speaks to the hearts of those of you reading it...

“In a deep relationship, there’s no longer a boundary between you and the other person. You are her and she is you. Your suffering is her suffering. Your understanding of your own suffering helps your loved one to suffer less. Suffering and happiness are no longer individual matters. What happens to your loved one happens to you. What happens to you happens to your loved one. […] In true love, there’s no more separation or discrimination. His happiness is your happiness. Your suffering is his suffering.”

The beautiful and joyful artwork of Susa Talan can be found at www.susatalan.com